I Prefer Sticks and Stones week 3

As we enter the third week discussing what comes out of our mouths, as well as the source, groups are bound to have some stories about success and frustration. As members try to apply what they are covering your group, each day will have some wins and losses, and each should get some time in your group discussion to see if steps can be taken in the journey. Don't forget to not only review other discussions, but how it's gone in day-to-day life with regard to actually getting some reigns on the tongue, and better things into the heart.

 

Thaw

Leader note: You may want to read all these passages to get started, as a refresher on last week and on what we're trying to get in our innermost being, in place of the selfish survivalist views like feeling owed, demanding to win and needing approval.

• Eph 5:21
  
• Phil 2:3
  
• Romans 12:18
  
• Eph 4:25

• What successes and failures have you experienced in the last week in taming your tongue and treasuring better things in your heart?
  
• What has really stayed with you from the message Sunday?

Read

• Eph 4:29
  
• Thoughts?
• "Unwholesome" (NIV) sounds a bit weak when you see the actual Greek from which this is translated. The word is "sapros", which comes from "sepo", where we get our word "septic". It means rotten, decayed, putrified. It denotes something that has no value to life, but is what happens when life has left. Knowing this, what are some examples of rotten, lifeless speech that you have been involved in recently?

Leader note: If it's difficult to remember something that carries the weight of this word meaning "rot", invite the group to consider a recent argument, or something they regret saying to a child.

it may be something someone said to them as well, in a fit of rage at the grocery or in traffic. Perhaps it was a parent or sibling. ADDITIONALLY, you may want to point out that Paul is advising on the mouth, rather than the heart first. So destructive are our septic words, that first we have to shut them off, and then work on the heart. Apparently, we're not to wait until our hearts are full of good things before we adjust our speech. This is a great example of rules being good for people, even though they don't change the heart. The heart changing comes later, and is truer to what God ultimately wants.

• Look at the words "for building others up". In Greek, this is "oikodomee", which has the literal meaning of constructing a house. Some English translations even use the word "edifying", bringing to mind an edifice. What's something that has been said to you that built you up?
  
• What's something that you said to someone that they later told you had the effect of encouragement?
• Why would God want us to humble ourselves, but encourage others?

Read 

• Hebrews 3:12
  
• What would you naturally expect the 1st century writer to command in order that such a horrible picture of falling away from God would never occur?
  

Leader note: Though the current line of discussion gives away the punch line of the next verse which is coming, see if you can get the members to agree that most of us would guess that the author would have us avoid such a terrible fate with something on par with most study of scripture, some combination of disciplines. The removal of certain habits and sins. Many of us have grown up in forms of Christian faith that employed chanting, prayer recital, etc. as a way of keeping ourselves from falling off the tracks. See if you can get at some of this, which allows verse 13 to carry its full weight.

• Hebrews 3:13
  
• How could encouraging each other be so powerful as to save us from falling away from God?
• Ephesians 4:29 ends with "...building others up according to their needs that it may benefit those who listen." How is this different than just being nice or flattering?

Leader note: help the group get to the fact that this isn't just about having nice things to say. It's about the strategic building up (who builds with plans?) of other people to help them know the heart of God. This requires honest, loving, mutual encouragement based on people really knowing each other and agreeing that we have to play a role in constructing each other's souls.

• When is encouragement hard?
  
• What are things in our culture that teach us that negative words, no matter how seemingly benign, are more socially beneficial?

Leader note: Our culture prides itself on sarcasm, for instance. The word sarcasm, means flesh tearing. Everything on television requires of the characters a quit-witted ability to check or crush other characters depending on the circumstances. Christians often attribute certain kinds of news and radio shows to a Christian way of thinking, yet the words and attitudes are volatile and far less than encouraging and edifying.

Apply

• What would change this week if you began to see your words as the means by which some would come to know God's grace?
  
• What are ways that you can be specifically encouraging to co-workers, spouses, children?
  

Leader note: "Specific" and "strategic" are words that must be associated with this. Random acts of kind words aren't going to do much. This is about setting out to build!

• Why is it risky to humble yourself (take a low position with respect to others) while building others up?
  
• What are the temptations you can foresee to withhold encouragement from others at home, school and work?
  
• Are there any encouraging words to be shared toward someone in this group that haven't been said? If so, go for it.
  

Additional texts for further study

• Prov 18:21 (the Message)
  
• I Thes 5:9-11
  
• Prov 12:18  
  

I Prefer Sticks and Stones week 2

This week could be called "how to disagree like Jesus" or "ways to talk in the rare instance that your view might perhaps differ with another individual with their own way of thinking". We'll work on the title later....

Most of us equate conflict with war, and therefore see conflict as something to to win, at all costs. This week, well try and get at why disagreeing on even the most minute level can get ugly, and what's going on, at heart.

You may want to watch this, from Monty Python, as an icebreaker:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=teMlv3ripSM&feature=related

Thaw

• Who had some success monitoring their speech from last week? Share.
  
• Who would say they disagree with others at work or at home often? How do those disagreement go, typically?

• What's something from the message that really stuck with you?

Read

• Psalm 19:14
  
• How could this prayer change your days?

Read

• Matthew 12:34-35
  
• What are ways we fill our hearts with evil?
  

Leader note: try and bring out all the avenues into our heart. Some people wish they didn't use foul language, but watch the Godfather Trilogy every week. That's not likely to help them in their goal of cleaning up their language and lessoning the violence they carry around inside them. Media, certain acquaintances, unhealthy memories replayed, unforgiving attitudes, un-dealt-with sin, etc...these all corrupt our innermost being.

• What are ways we fill our hearts with good?

Leader note: You may want to turn to Phil 4:7-9 to hear Paul peak directly to this. 

• How does having evil in our hearts equal regrettable speech?
  
• How do our words provoke evil in others' hearts?

Discuss

• The message detailed that there are at least 3 major views that we store or treasure within us that cause conflicts to become ugly wars. Which of these three do you see stored in some degree within yourself?:
  

You Owe Me.
I Must Win.
I Must Have Approval.

Leader note: If the group has a hard time deciding, spend a few minutes and let the group define these views in their own words.

• Can anyone give an example of how one or more of these has recently played itself out in a conflict that turned into a verbal war?
  
• What are the strategies for beginning to replace these views with views that are more like Christ's?
  
• What are we up against when trying to rid our hearts of these stored views?
  

Read (You may want to assign 4 readers)

• Eph 5:21
  
• Phil 2:3
  
• Romans 12:18
  
• Eph 4:25

• How can this group help its members get these scriptures and their values into the heart?
  
• How do you recognize ahead of time in life's fast pace whether you are operating according to texts like these, or out of the the way you used to treasure in your heart?
  

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. 

James 1:19-20

Leader note: You may want to give the members of your group a few minutes at the end of your time together for some silent reflection. It would be good in this time to return to Psalm 19:14, helping peole to turn this ancient prayer into their own.

Additional Study

• Isaiah 6:1-8
  
• Proverbs 17:14
  
• Proverbs 27:5-6
  

Update on Resource Site

Please be sure and visit the Lifegroup Leaders Resource site, as the Crosspointe Sunday Morning message topics for 2009 have now been added! By clicking here and scrolling down the right side, you will see the current working titles and an overview of where each series is intended to take us throughout the rest of the year.

As you determine the study/discussion portion of your group's journey, you may find that one or more of the series will create the kind of discussion fodder needed for the members of your group. Remember, one of the ways that this can be determined is by using the LifeGroup Member Questionnaire. By each member taking this brief survey and allowing you to compile the results, you may find patterns in their answers that line up well with where we are going on Sundays. But you'll also want to look at our Curriculum Guide for a broader view of some of the great studies available for numerous topics. If you need help with a final determination, we're always happy to help (and don't forget, somethings you can't learn academically- you have to just go and DO!).

Thanks for leading with intentionality, and more than that, with love. Shepherd well!

Steve

I Prefer Sticks and Stones week 1

If you doubt the power of words, then you probably have never been spoken to. With words, people can make your day, or ruin it. Loved ones can encourage you, or give you a thought that takes a couple years of therapy to shake. In the beginning, God spoke into nothing and created everything, and then made us in His image. So, something about the power of words has been retained in our own nature too, and depending on how we use them, they can create or destroy.

This series is about just such power. It will be a series on relationships, specifically about how those relationships are shaped by our communication. Use this series as a group to help identify patterns of miscommunication in marriages, between members, with family back in other states, angry outbursts at the store, etc... If we can get it in our minds that we have a canon just beneath our noses, we will see the quality of our relationships (and our faith) improve. Additionally, we need proper views on the words coming at us, especially when those words run contrary to what God has already said about us.

Thaw

• What's the most encouraging thing you can remember ever being said to you?
  
• Have you ever been shocked at how encouraged someone was due to something you said to them?
  
• What's something that someone said to you that hurt you?
  
• What's something you have said that hurt another?

• Has anything stayed with you from the message Sunday? Share.
  

Read

• Proverbs 10:19
  
• Proverbs 10:31-32
  
• Proverbs 12:6
  
• Proverbs 12:18
  
• Proverbs 17:27
  

Leader note: You may want to put a few of these on index cards for your member's dashboards, office desks, counter tops, etc. This may even be a good thing to create together. These short phrases carry an amazing amount of weight, especially for those who are all too aware that their mouths are creating problems. These cards are an easy, simple way to keep the most pertinent Scriptures close by.

• Thoughts?
  
• Have you ever been around someone that spoke less than what you would call normal? What was your impression of this person?
  
• Why does our culture talk so much, if most of us (people of faith or not) recognize the potential harm in uncontrolled speech?
  

Read

• Matthew 12:33-35
  
• What is Jesus saying about the kinds of things we say, if even impulsively?
  

Read 

Leader note: You may find it appropriate to let your group not only read the following, but to meditate on it for a few moments to get at what James is saying. In light of Jesus' indictment to the religious for having words that match what's inside them, the rest of your time is about taking steps in understanding that our mouths aren't just connected to our stomachs, but our hearts as well.

• James 3:1-12
  
• What kind of lights are going on for you?
• Why is the tongue (speech) seemingly unable to be controlled, as opposed to say, your feet?

Leader note: That last question, though having scientific answers, is, again about the heart. We speak reflexively in order to survive, defend or out of the sheer habit of processing thoughts with our mouths.

You may note that verse 1 doesn't mention that the stricter judgment will come from God, necessarily. Perhaps James is warning his readers about the brutality of criticism that comes from leading others? Makes sense in light of what he's discussing a few sentences later. As you discuss the entirety of this passage, make sure and highlight what James wants us to see, not just hear. "Small affects big". These slight and seemingly benign comments and phrases are the sparks that cause relational wildfires.  It's EASY to control your tongue when it comes to the big and explosive exchanges. But it doesn't start there. It's starts with sparks. Then fire. You cannot easily control fire once it catches. Spend some time exploring how controlling the incessant need to add commentary, criticize and talk before thinking equals becoming a man or woman of wisdom and faith.

Application

• What are some ways that we can begin creating the habits of wise and monitored speech?
  
• What are the circumstances and environments in our lives that work against an effort to practice speech restraint?
  
• What is a healthy balance with this LifeGroup for people speaking and people using restraint? When is it unhealthy to speak or even not speak?
• What times this week can you fast from speaking? Perhaps, as a group, each member that's able can remain silent through their breakfasts, lunches, an hour each afternoon, and perhaps some time in the evenings. Additionally, one or more members may have meetings or even just general work environments where it's become normal to weigh in on everything, though it's never been necessary. How can the group help support an effort to reduce words there too?
  

 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, 

       and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

 Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, 

       and discerning if he holds his tongue.

Proverbs 17:27-28