What causes fights and quarrels among us?

"A man lives by believing something: not by debating and arguing about many things". Thomas Carlyle

All relationships have conflict. That's a normal and even necessary element of having two distinct beings overlap their experiences, perspectives and ideas. But conflict turns into argument and all out ugliness when that overlap somehow becomes a threat to one or both parties.

In a sense, we are in a season of argument as a society; in the grander scheme, November 2nd isn't that far behind us, coupled with contrasting ideas about what to do overseas, what to do with jobs here at home, etc. And then there is argument coming for some of us on the personal level; Thanksgiving is days away and so is extended time with family, to name one example.

What do we do, and who do we become, when we come face-to-face with disagreement?

In your group time, delve deeper into the conversation than "let's stop arguing" or "conflict avoidance". Dig around in the inner chambers of the group's heart and ask deeper questions about what makes us fight, and how to not merely "stop fighting", but to recognize that there's a Kingdom way to disagree and never do damage to love of God and others.

Thaw

• Discuss your group's plan for next week if you haven't finalized that yet.
• Have you ever seen or participated in a family argument during a holiday? WHat are your thoughts on that looking back?
• What most impacted you from the message Sunday?
• What themes were there that you sense are recurring fro you, or, in other words, is an ongoing work God might be trying to do in your personality?

Read

• 2Tim. 2:23
• Thoughts?
• How is this passage affected, and/or your reading of it, by finding out it's the last letter Paul wrote Timothy before he died?
• What do you imagine were the specific things Paul was referring to?
• What do you do when you know you're right? Should you argue all the way through to understanding, or stop and let truth be undiscovered, or is there a third way?
• What are some of the arguments that Jesus got into?
• According to your answer above, what is our example, Biblically, for what we argue about and how?
• What are some examples of important issues that you lost an quarrel over, and changed your mind? Describe how it went and discuss it as a group to see if there are themes to learn from.

Read

• James 4:1
• Thoughts?
• What is the difference between a desire battling within us and the truth needing battled for?

Leader note: The answer to the above is pretty psychological. It requires quite a bit of self-awareness and emotional maturity to be able to recognize when one is fighting to be victorious (as it is sometimes trying to conquer your own parents from 30 years earlier via trying to prove your self to co-workers today) and when one is actually fighting for truth. When one gets emotional, defensive and ugly to some extent, that's often the clearest sign that something more than the issue at hand is being fought for. The battle of desire within, whether it be trying to be seen as intelligent, correct, informed, connected, can take over instantly- all while we continue to falsely argue and fight for extended periods in the name of "what's true". Dig around in this for a while as a group if they seem to be following the trail.

• What changes when you realize this may be going on inside you?
• What changes when you realize this may be going on inside the one you arguing with?
• What is the benefit of clarification?
• Why is this so difficult to stop and do?

Leader note: This is a simplistic way of loving your "enemy", or opponent, in that you are hearing them out in the same way that you wish (demand?!) to be heard.

Read

• Proverbs 15:1
• Proverbs 20:3
• Thoughts?
• Are there times where you would have benefitted from apply this wisdom and didn't?
• What are the difficulties emotionally and psychologically with apply this kind of wisdom when it matters most?

Apply

• Are you or anyone you know fascinated with debate? How can this become unhealthy?
• Are there issues you don't feel like you can discuss because of a fear that an ugly argument or division will result?
• What is the difference between loving, Kingdom disagreement and a quarrel and how does this distinction apply to the answer to the above?
• How can this group move forward toward becoming a group of people that aren't afraid to discuss anything because quarreling isn't an option, even though disagreement happens all the time?