THINGS OVERHEARD: at a Wedding.

If you're married, a discussion about marriage will always be of some benefit. And if you are single, a discussion about marriage should always benefit you as well. Anytime we discuss commitment, family and the way one serves another, everyone has something to learn, no matter the particular context we're examining.

Use this discussion time to enhance your own marriage, as well as be encouraged and challenged in the ways of self-sacrificial love in every relationship you have.



Thaw

• What are some wedding traditions you have experienced from you town tradition or background that are interesting or unique?

• What most stayed with you from Sunday?
• If you were an alien at your first typical earth wedding in the USA, what would you think were the main points to report back to your tentacled leader?
• What does your previous answer have to do with what we'd say the desired outcome of a marriage is?

Read

• 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
• Thoughts and impressions?
• Why do you think this passages gets read at so many weddings?
• Knowing this love ("agapeo") isn't exclusively romantic, but has to do with any one giving themselves to another, self-sacrificially, what do you think we could learn from Paul here?

Discuss

• Why do single people and married people often feel awkward around each other, and what can be done about that?
• Why have we all become bad at longterm commitment, and what can be done about that?
• What happens when our own happiness becomes the primary goal in a relationship?
• What happens when we fear being single or invalidated and so use the other to assuage those fears?

Read

• Mark 10:8-9
• Thoughts and impressions?
• The imagery of joined together, in the actual Greek of Mark 10, depicts two animals yoked together not only for their own good, but for the good of the One at work behind them. In what kinds of ways can married couples bless not only themselves, but in being yoked together, become a blessing to the world?

Apply

• In what ways can this group be a blessing to its married couples, as well as to the single people, honoring the strength and significance in both?

THINGS OVERHEARD: at a Funeral.

For the next few weeks we'll be discussing those interesting things said and heard in circumstances uniquely geared to draw them out. Sometimes they are just benign attempts to understand life and God. Other times they are words put forth sincerely but are painful or even toxic in their unconsidered ramifications.

This week we consider things said at a funeral. Sometimes the sermon contains theology or intended encouragement that leaves people scratching their head for years. Sometimes it's a well-meaning family member before or after the service, trying to lessen pain and confusion with words. Use this time to discuses not necessarily the specifics of a passed love one (unless as a leader you determine that might be where the wind is blowing, and your group members could benefit from that) but of the expressed the ideas about each other and God that we hear there, and how they align with the heart of God.



Thaw

• What is different so far about 2014 in comparison with your expectations?
• How might this group help you with some of the goals you have for yourself this year?

• What has most stuck with you from Sunday morning?
• What is something you have heard about God or faith or life at a funeral that has puzzled or confused you?

Read

• Mark 9:2-8
• Why do we, in the absence of information, become so eager to fill in the gaps with our own understanding, rather than just observe?
• Why does the pain of others make us want to speak and fix?
• Who's discomfort are we trying to alleviate when we try to explain or speculate away grief.
• How can we be caring people without answers?

Discuss

• Below is a brief list of things heard at funerals. Discuss each one as it aligns or misaligns with who God is.

• "God need him/her for himself."
• "Everything happens for a reason"
• "She’s/He's in a better place now"
• "I know how you feel."
• "Did he/she know Jesus?"

Leader note: A few thoughts on each. It may or may not be helpful to read each of these as the list is discussed.

"God needed her for himself" makes the heart of God a taker, not a giver. It also assumes our humanity is second rate to being a disembodied spirit, as though body-less angels have achieved the highest experience. This can't be, as God made humans and said it was very good (Gen 1). God does not rob us to bless himself. See, in order Luke 22:27, Phil 2:5-7, John 14:9 to be reminded what God is like here.
"Everything happens for a reason" provides false assurances that an explanation is coming. That grief is a failure to understand the blueprint. This makes legitimate sadness an uninformed response. The phrase is meant to make reality seem bigger and blessedly mysterious, and despite their being truth in that, it reduces grief to a wrong response. There is a theology of predetermined reality often understood or tucked into believing everything happens for a reason. Despite the certainty of many who believe this, it's not universal and saying so raising numerous unanswerable questions. It's better left alone.
"He's in a better place now" With one suffering illness and pain before death, the urge to say this is heightened. It may even be comparatively true. But again it misunderstands the legitimacy of grief, and can have the effect of stating it's better for a loved one to not be with family and friends. It also reinforces a belief that our humanity, God's Plan A, are subpar to some other experience. If that were the case, God would have just started with that. Colossians 1:19-20 is thought to be a place that reinforces that even Heaven needs set right, as there are disembodied people there and that is not "better". 
"I know how you feel" is never true. Ever. Twins experiencing the same moment have different feelings about it. How much more the difference between others, even unrelated others. The desire to empathize deeply is a good desire, but the execution of this desire can be alienating for people who don't even know how THEY THEMSELVES feel. Resist the urge to have any answers, especially answers about the feelings of the grieving. 
"Did he/she know Jesus?" What if the answer is no. What if the answer is I don't know. What if the answer is yes, but different than you've come to understand? This question is unintentionally insensitive. It puts forth your own box to be checked, so that you can find relief to your unanswered questions. The question could lead to far more pain and a division between you and the person who may or may not value the answer the same way you do. Rest in the idea that despite any appearances to the contrary, Christ knows the deceased, the grieving and you. (Colossians 1:13-17)

Discuss
Here's an incomplete list of things to say at funerals (adapted from Confessions of a Funeral Director).

• "I am so sorry for your loss."
• "I wish I had the right words, just know I care."
• "I don’t know how you feel, but I am here to help in anyway I can."
• "My favorite memory of _________ is…"
• "I am always just a phone call away. If you think there's something I could do, or if you just want someone around, I'm there."
• Hugs
• "I am usually up early or late, if you need anything. Really."
• Silent presence.

Mark 15

In chapter 15 of Mark, we come to the last quoted words of Christ.

"My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

In chapter 16 there are words recorded, but they are known to be additions added as late as the second century. More on that later.

As a group discuss the message and the implications of Mark concluding his work with these particular words in Christ's mouth, and what that might say to us, his followers.


Thaw

• Who is traveling and who is staying for Thanksgiving? (Is the group meeting next week? Special plans?)

• What has stayed with you from this Sunday?
• How did Sunday add to the overall experience of the series?

Read

• Philippians 2:5-8
• Thoughts and impressions?
• How does this passage line up with your view of the power of God in Christ?

Leader note: Be sensitive to people talking about Christ only being this way then, but will come back in domination. Remember, "he's the same yesterday, today and forever."

Read

• Mark 15
• Thoughts and impressions?
• Why would Christ reference abandonment in the moment he knew was coming?
• Why would fulfilling your calling, and more significantly, loving others so completely, turn out so badly?

Discuss

• Has there ever been a time in your life where you have felt controlled by someone? If so, did you a) try and control them in return, b) distance yourself to get free of it, c) allow them to do it, retaining control by staying aware of their behavior, d) submit to it, not knowing what else to do, e) lash out and fight their control or f) other? Describe your experience.
• Why are love and control considered by so many to be mutually exclusive?
• What makes someone want to control others?
• What has to happen for that person to begin believing love has any lasting power?
• How would you help someone who believed in control begin to believe in love?

Leader note: be sensitive to all the advice on this last question being veiled forms of control. The trick is, we love controlling people, if even at a safe distance depending on how severe their behavior is. But we do not try to control their thoughts and actions. To control a controller in the name of converting their minds to a more loving disposition is the exact wrong thing to do. Everybody loses.

Apply

• How can this group be more, appropriately vulnerable?
• How did the previous answer sound like a loss of control?
• How did the previous answer sound like the conquering of deep-seated fear?

Read

• Psalm 22:1-5
• Think about your relationships, personal and professional. In closing, spend a few silent moments thinking of the ways you might be too fearful to relinquish control, influence or manipulation over them. Think of what you believe the consequences to that would be. And then allow yourself the slow process of beginning to let go of others. To risk love and others-centeredness and taking years-long samples to measure your eventual success. This is a key to freedom and enjoying life. It's intimidating, but it appears to be the last message Mark saw fit to give us from Christ's mouth.

Mark 14:32-42

sur·ren·der

\sə-ˈren-dər\

: to agree to stop fighting, hiding, resisting, etc., because you know that you will not win or succeed

: to give the control or use of (something) to someone else

It's not merely giving up. It's being mindful enough to realize that not everything should be a fight. And even when it is a fight, it should be for people, not against them. This isn't a rule but simply a new conscious set of decisions to slowly replace the default of pushing, defending, resisting and lack of peace.

Use the discussion questions below to discuss the message and other thoughts and ideas it stirred.

Read 

• Mark 14:32-42

Discuss

• What has most stayed with you from Sunday?
• In what specific areas did you feel challenged?
• What did you learn about yourself, God or others?
• What are the hang-ups about surrender? Where does it seem hardest or most unrealistic? Explain? 
• Have you ever felt after fighting for something that it wasn't worth it, even though you got what you were fighting for?
• In what ways are we expected to fight, with no regard to whether it is good or wise?
• How can this group be a helpful place to awaken to the distinction between quitting, winning and true surrender?